letter to anxiety, depression and self worth
[EDIT] when i started writing this text i was feeling very upset which was followed by being more balanced and now as i am finishing i am feeling more peaceful again. it was nice to write it and its probably recognizable how the mood shifted throughout the process.
dear anxiety, depression and self worth
i am aware that you all are valid feelings, states and to some extent parts of myself that i am trying to handle kindly but let me tell you this as a result for the exhausting past days: you fucking suck. go fuck yourselfs. you can fucking suck soooo sooooooo much! there are not enough "o" letters to express that right now.
anxiety: i know you are just trying to protect me, to make me react on threats and signal bounderies and my need for savety. but what if that threat is actually not that threatening? and what if the things you are trying to protect me of are unfortunatly being essential needs at the same time? you almost ruined a job interview today for not only making me afraid of getting a damn panic attack but also anxious to fail, anxious to faint and to loose control over myself. the hours before the interview did not feel like i am about to have a talk about employment which usually makes you feel nervous of course, but like an existential trail and life threatening situation. what the fuck? that was really unneccesary and i am not thanking you for that! i almost did not go and was about to cancel it an hour prior. when it was too late to cancel my thought was to still dare to go there, meet them in that cafe, greet them and immediatly say that i am not suited to for the job and leave because of how you made me feel. not only you, the others were doing their parts too of course. i am so glad i went in the end, that i was able to feel much more comfortable within minutes with these two really kind and nice old women that talked to me and made me reconsider pulling out of the situation as soon as possible. so guess who is about to sell some cute wooden frog statues at the christmas market now. fuck you. also i apologize for being mean, i just needed to get this out.
depression: i know you are also a sign to take care for myself and signal me that a lot of important needs are not met at the moment. but could you go a little softer on me at least? i am already aware and making me feel depressed about it is not really helping! or what i am supposed to do with avolition? or feeling miserable and hopelessly lost? if you were being nice you could give me some of my energy back so that i could actually deal with my problems with a wider variety of ressources. how is it helping that two days ago i couldnt even go to a grocerie store out of exhaustion and overwhelmedness? and sometimes making everything seem to be so so difficult. and honestly nothing but plain desperate at times too. i want to say nice things about you but you are really not making it easy. you also kind of ruined my past days. i am a bit mad at you but you'll understand that.
self worth: some say you are being one of the most essential needs a human has and some assume that its like a sensor for our position within a group. in times of early humans where being expelled from a group was equal to an actual life threatening situation in terms of sustenance with most basic and biologial needs it became vital to accuratly assess ones own "position" within the group and to understand which traits are valued and which are being rejected. so the tendency towards self evaluation might help us also now to navigate and position ourself within social structures. and then thoughts like "what is my rank in this or that group?" or "what do i have to be like to be not excluded from a group?" can emerge. i think i am actually having a lot of these "traits" and wish i would not regulary think of myself in such a negative way. i appreciate that you are also there for me. i just wish you would be there more often. i really want to work with you on that.
feeling very conciliatory right now i still want to explain what i also find sometimes most annoying about you all: that you are all working together and you're mutually dependent on each other. this can make it really difficult to tell you apart and to identify who the main suspect of making me feel "not so amazing" is. at times i think it matters a lot, at the moment i dont, maybe i have overdone it a bit in the last weeks and months. healing and making progress within these overlaps could in any way be a bit like picking up a mikado stick from the middle of the pile. you can't be enterly sure how much weight it carries or what's gonna happen but at least every other stick shifts along with it.
but that is all for now.
with (surprising) confidence and best regards.